We’re here to sell houses and chew bubblegum. We’re all out of bubblegum.
Why Your Offer Loses
Tired of getting your teeth kicked in by competing buyers on the homes you try to buy? Wonder what sellers are thinking when they reject your offer time after time?
You’ve landed on the right blog. Let’s take a quick look at a few critical components of an offer through a seller’s eyes to find out exactly what is keeping that elusive new home out of your reach.
- Pre-Qualification
This is a big one, particularly in a competitive situation in which the seller is entertaining multiple offers at the same time. Back in the day, virtually anyone with a pulse was a good bet to secure the necessary financing to complete a transaction due to lax qualifying standards. These days, the banks want a faxed copy of your baby as a pre-funding condition. As such, you are banging your head against the wall if you don’t have an iron-clad pre-qualification letter from your lender to present with your offer. And I’m not talking about a bare bones letter in which the qualification is based solely upon a conversation, you’re going to want to have the boxes checked that indicate your pre-qual (pre-approval is even better) is at minimum based upon a tri-merged credit report and review of recent bank statements. Got two years of tax returns and recent pay stubs to your lender already? Even better.
Don’t save the pre-qualification step for the last minute when you’re frantically trying to submit an offer on a hot, new listing. Taking the time to prepare a rock solid pre-qual in advance can be the difference between being a buyer and being a shopper.
- Financing Type
Most buyers are somewhat hamstrung on their financing options these days as down payment options tend to dictate the ultimate vehicle chosen. That said, it is important for you to know what the seller sees as a limitation of each loan type so as to find a way to overcome the likely objection(s) within the framework of your program.
FHA Loans – Dormant, by and large, during the boom when low (and even no) down payment options were plentiful in conventional financing, FHA loans have made a comeback in a big way in the Scottsdale market. Sellers will have two major concerns with your FHA offer.
First will be closing costs. As most people opt for FHA because it opens up the door to a 3.5% down payment, it is not uncommon for these buyers to have a little less saved up for the closing costs that piggyback a home purchase. If you are loading 1-3% of your costs onto the seller, be mindful that you are not actually offering the price you put on the first page of the contract. All that matters to the seller is the net. If you are trying to get your closing costs covered, you might have to boost your offer price commensurately.
For example, your 150k offer on a 150k listing is not truly full price if you are asking the seller to pay 5k in closing costs. To make your offer reflect an effective net full price, you’ll need to offer 155k.
And hope the appraisal can justify that amount.
Which leads us to the second major financing concern, the appraisal itself. Not only do FHA loans require FHA-certified appraisers who scrutinize the condition of the property for inhabitability (no exposed wires, utilities must be on and functional, etc), but sellers and their agents will expect the appraiser to be far more conservative with the ultimate evaluation due to the high loan to value ratio. The lower the down payment, the higher the risk to the bank. That tends to bring a little more heat down on the appraiser to bring in a value that will survive heightened scrutiny from a constipated underwriter.
VA Loans – VA loans are like their FHA cousins on steroids, at least from a seller’s perspective. We all love our troops … until they try to buy our homes. A seller sees your 100% financed loan and does not see an army of one, he sees an even more anal retentive appraiser and underwriter who would like nothing better than to blow up the sale of his home.
Peeling paint in a home built before 1978 (subject to lead)? He’s gonna have to scrape it and repaint.
Last good round of sales comps older than six months old? That’s bad enough on a conventional loan in which the bank is only investing 80% of the home’s value, but at 100%?
Shoot …
Sellers also expect to get stuck with buyer closing costs (sellers MUST pay certain costs with a VA loan), so it’s not the favored financing type for many.
Let us not forget about the time factor. Most lenders will want about 40-45 days to process both FHA and VA loans, due in large part to the red tape created by the government backed programs. For the seller who wants a more standard 30 day close, this is not as appealing. You might have to build in some additional incentive for the seller to select your offer with the longer close, such as additional earnest money at the midway point, slightly higher purchase price, etc.
Conventional Financing – Conforming to Fannie Mae guidelines, conventional loan programs typically require higher down payments (5-20%) than their kin. Sellers like this because it means you have more ‘skin in the game’. The appraisal is less of a white-knuckle experience given the lower LTV (loan to value ratio), and the seller expects you will be much more likely to ultimately secure the loan and close escrow. While certainly not outside the realm of possibility, a 20% down conventional buyer is less likely to ask a seller for closing cost assistance.
Outside of the cash offer, the granddaddy of them all, conventional financing is looked upon most favorably by most sellers.
- Down Payment
Touched on this above, but bears isolating for repeat. The more money you are showing as a down payment in your offer, the stronger I, as a seller, think you are and more likely to close. Your lender will not be as hypercritical in approving a loan with 60% LTV versus 95%. The appraisal will be less of a hurdle, and failing to hit the sales price won’t be insurmountable (you have the resources to pony up cash to bridge the shortfall). Further, I expect you have some leeway on potential inspection issues if you have deeper pockets. The guy putting everything he has in the world together to complete the purchase won’t have much room to make improvements/repairs after closing.
That scares me as I expect you are going to try to kick my ass for every loose screw and squeaky hinge in the inspection report.
Cha-ching.
- Earnest Money
One of the easiest places to score points with the seller is the bolstering of the ‘good faith’ money you place in escrow upon contract ratification. In our market, 1-3% would be considered a typical earnest deposit. The more you can put down, the more appealing to the seller. With several ‘outs’ along the way to reclaim this money in the event of a poor home inspection, loan denial, low appraisal, etc, the shrewd buyer will offer to place an eye-catching deposit in escrow. If the deal goes south, provided that it is not due to your own breach of contract, this money is recoverable. If the deal goes through to closing, it is applied to the total due at closing. It IS NOT an additional fee.
If you can afford to do so, go outside the box a little with your earnest deposit when you know you are competing against other buyers. It doesn’t end up costing you anything more unless you breach the terms of the deal.
Don’t do that.
If you reflected, say, $500-1000 in earnest money on your last stab at a $200,000 house, you limped in with your offer, regardless of the accompanying terms. Show weakness in the good faith money you show me, and I think you are either a) not committed to the deal, b) broke or c) both.
- Terms
Believe it or not, sellers pay attention to those little throwaway items in the contract outside of price and ability to close.
That home warranty policy you want the seller to pay? That’s $350-550 off the bottom line. While a typical buyer request, you need to be cognizant of circumstance before automatically checking the ‘seller’ box in the contract. Is it a bank property? Are there other offers on the table (or likely to be due to the great value, time on market, etc)? Might want to rethink its inclusion in some cases.
Likewise, don’t check the boxes in the HOA addendum (if applicable) loading all transfer cost onto the seller without some thought. If it comes down to you and another comparable offer, don’t be the guy that sabotages himself over a couple hundred bucks.
The inclusion of personal property in your offer can be a mistake in a competitive market. Sure, those Maytag Neptunes are great, but do you really want to scuttle your chances of getting the house over the washer and dryer? You can ask for the fridge if there are no other offers at play. Deal?
Writing your offer subject to the sale of a current residence? That’s a huge no-no in a competitive situation. As a listing agent, I tell my seller that there is still a property that needs to sell for the deal to work, so you are no closer to the closing table. Worse, you now have no control over the property being sold. Banks and short sale sellers feel the same way. Get your home sold before approaching sellers if you want to stand a chance in a competitive arena.
Give the seller his/her preferred title company. This one is easy. As long as the company is reputable, it’s easy to score points with the other party by acquiescing on items that don’t cost you anything. A pre-requisite of purchasing a bank property to accept the seller’s choice of title company, it’s not a bad idea to include the question of “Does the seller have a title preference?” in the conversation with the listing agent that precedes your offer on a mom & pop resale, too. You know, the same conversation in which you ask about preferred closing dates and such?
Purchasing ‘As Is’ is fairly common in the current market as few sellers have the equitable wherewithal to actually make repairs. If you are looking at short sales and foreclosures, it is a given. You can sweeten the deal for a resale seller and differentiate your offer from competing ones by making your offer ‘As Is’ for his property as well. If framed properly, you will still maintain your full rights to a property inspection, with the ability to cancel the transaction if the home’s deficiencies are too numerous/costly. You alleviate the seller’s obligation to repair broken items, but you are not obligated to complete the transaction if you are dissatisfied. Offering to purchase ‘As Is’ can be a good tie-breaker in a multiple offer scenario, but employ with caution.
And for Pete’s sake, don’t let your agent write a short story’s worth of verbiage into the constructive language section of the contract. Not only do agent’s get themselves and their clients into trouble by unwittingly practicing law through the amateur construction of legal terms, but filling this page up is the antithesis of a ‘clean’ offer. Keep it simple, and don’t scare the seller off with Perry Masonesque flair. Half the stuff that shows up here with regularity is already covered (more adequately at that) in the boilerplate.
Remember: The AAR contract is nine pages (plus addenda) of carefully crafted legal verbiage that was composed by attorneys smarter than you and your agent.
- Price
I saved this one for way down the page because it should be the most self-evident truth this side of pain hurts. You lose the privilege of complaining about non-accepted offers if you keep trying to negotiate more off the asking price than the market permits.
- The Listng Agent Never Received Your Offer
Your offer was good. Your offer was clean. The home will be yours by Halloween.
Or it would have been had the listing agent ever received it.
Sad but true fact, I have received numerous offers over the years without so much as a headsup call that one was on the way, let alone a followup call from the buyer’s agent to confirm that it actually arrived. For all you know, the offer you spent a day or two considering and several hours drafting might have ended up in a spam folder or faxed to Sri Lanka if that simple precautionary step is not taken.
Inconceivable? It happens all the time.
Further, if you don’t let the listing agent know an offer is en route, you risk the possibility of the seller accepting another offer in the interim.
Don’t let your agent be lax. Make sure your offer gets where it’s going.
Sidenote: When I receive an emailed/faxed offer that is not preceded by so much as a phone call from the buyer’s agent, I know it’s going to suck. Food for thought.
- You Are Competing for the Wrong Properties
Allow me to move from the seller’s side of the table back to yours, doffing my cap as your friendly buyer’s agent. If you keep losing properties despite gussying your offers up in accordance with the advice herein to make them as attractive as possible to unimpressed sellers, it is quite likely that you have simply set your self up for failure by targeting the wrong homes. This phenomenon is most prevalent in the lower price ranges where investors and second home buyers make it difficult for cash-strapped, first-time buyer to compete. Competing against cash or high down payment conventional financing, the poor SOB writing clean, full-price FHA offers doesn’t stand much of a chance.
Stop throwing your hat in the ring on properties you won’t get unless you really don’t care for your hat. Cause it’s gonna get trampled.
You will have much better chances for success by targeting homes priced a little higher and negotiating down rather than starting at the basement where the Daddy Warbucks of the world are busy chasing the prices up.
Go find the lonely seller who is priced just above the scrum.
Getting drubbed in the bidding wars at 150k? Look at the inventory for comparable properties at 175k. Odds are, despite the discrepancy in list prices, the ultimate selling prices won’t end up that far apart.
Bolster the weak points in your offers, isolate the right properties and you, too, can have success in this market.
Now get back out there and make someone an offer they can’t refuse.
Forever Views
Abe Flemming studied the open notepad on his desk. A daunting list of phrases stared back at him. There was a golden egg hidden within the black chicken-scratch, he just needed to find it. He started at the top and worked his way down.
This Home Does Not Suck!
Abe chuckled at his first entry, quickly moving past the throwaway writing prompt to the genuine attempts that followed.
Housing Nirvana … Smells Like Value, Not Teen Spirit!
He cringed, moved down a line.
$hort on Equity, Long on Charm!
Jesus, Abe thought. These sounded a lot better in his head.
Why Settle for Cookie Cutter When You Can Have a Cookie MONSTER?
Definitely not what he was going for, he moved on to the next candidate.
If You Lived Here, You’d Already Be Home!
Abe drew an angry line through the barely legible cursive, annoyed that he’d let a well-traveled cliche infiltrate his quest for fresh, unique verbiage in his advertising.
At the End of the Day, Aren’t We All Bank-Owned?
Abe groaned as he skipped this one, too, making a mental note to mine the thought for future blog fodder.
Diamond in the Guf!
Too biblical.
Where the West Was Wondered …
“What the hell is that supposed to mean,” he demanded of the empty room.
Abe dropped the pen and snatched a half-full can of Coke Zero off the desk. He took a deep pull, savoring the sweet cola’s aroma as much as its taste.
He glanced at the notepad.
Territorial Delight … Wanna Party, Cowboy?
Nearly spitting the dark liquid all over the desk, Abe was instead treated to a sudden rush of carbonation up his considerable schnoz. His eyes teared up as the resulting inferno threatened to ignite the thatch of grey-black kindling that protruded from each flared nostril.
“That’s it,” he declared, turning to his computer as the burning subsided.
The flashing cursor was poised on the blank title line, imploring its master to yield to the inevitable.
With a heavy sigh, Abe obliged.
He typed Forever Views! and printed the flyer.
Damn.
Realtor Flips Script, Reviews Customers
Scottsdale, AZ – Tired of being the one under a microscope, a local Scottsdale Real Estate agent has turned the tables on the service review paradigm.
Barry Wong, a residential Realtor with Prickly Pear Properties, says the time has come for consumers to enjoy the same level of scrutiny to which service providers are subjected.
“I’m not a toaster,” Wong stressed when reached for comment at his ‘mobile office’ in the parking lot of the Goodwill on Scottsdale Rd between Thomas and McDowell.
“Nor am I a used Pontiac or a sandwich shop,” Wong continued. “Yet everyone feels the need to put a numerical value on the ongoing, long-term service I provide nowadays.”
Asked to quantify the difficulty of ranking the unique, involved relationships that agents share with their clients on a scale of 1-10, Wong rated it an ‘8’.
“There are far too many variables from transaction to transaction, and relationship to relationship for clients to rate me effectively on a simple, translatable scale,” Wong argued. “Especially when much of the job takes place behind the scenes, the customer never realizes the true value of what has been provided.”
Wong was less conflicted by the ability to rank consumer behavior, however.
“It’s simple,” Wong noted. “They either screw you over or they don’t.”
Adopting a four star rating system for the online repository that he hopes will help his fellow professionals avoid the all too common, non-profitable encounters with shiftless time-wasters, Wong envisions a national platform that will fully illuminate this dark side of the sales equation.
“Four stars are for successful closings within six months of initial contact,” he explained. “Three stars will reflect clients who purchased or sold a home beyond the six month threshold.”
Not everyone is convinced that the attempt to level the playing field is a prudent course of action in an era of consumer empowerment.
“The online evaluation of those who would bring you business has never been attempted,” Gustav Merkins of the consumer advocacy group Are You High? claimed when reached for comment. “That’s because it is patently idiotic.”
“If I can save just one agent from driving all over town with some grifter with a history of shining salespeople on, it will all be worth it,” Wong asserted in the face of such naysaying.
Asked to clarify the significance of the final two points in the rating scale he created during a night of binge drinking on the heels of a lost listing, Wong obliged.
“Two stars are for customers who never buy or sell anything,” he confirmed. “One star is reserved for customers who grade agents poorly on online rating sites.”
“Look,” Wong concluded. “I am a firm believer that the customer is always right, except when he’s not. That’s where shame and public humiliation comes into play.”
— Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011
On This Day In Real Estate
On this day in Arizona Real Estate:
11/23/1881 – The first Real Estate disclosure laws go into effect for the young territory on the heels of the sale of a corral in Tombstone with a non-disclosed stigma. Claiming he would have paid considerably less for the property had he been aware of its recent history of people getting shot in the face, Jebediah Tippins also holds the distinction for the first ‘For Sale By Owner’ purchase in the Southwest.
11/23/1912 – Edward Reems of Copper Crest Realty & Insurance double-ends the first sale of a covered wagon park in state history. He is later found hanged by a fellow agent for alleged ‘buyer rustling’.
11/23/1937 – Eli Smokes invents the lockbox in Prescott, AZ and immediately gives out the combination to the town drunk.
11/23/1974 – The Arizona Association of Realtors introduces the Arizona Regional Multiple Listing Service, responds to immediate consumer demands for full online access to the raw listing feed by noting that the internet has not been invented yet.
11/23/1987 – Timothy Barnaby of Tucson is the first to cross out ‘7%’ in the boilerplate of a listing agreement, sparking a revolution against Real Estate fees that would be a boon for consumers in their pursuit of affordable, crappy service.
11/23/2004 – Arizona Real Estate buyers lose their collective minds.
11/23/2007 – The party’s over as lending institutions turn out the lights on all programs geared towards borrowers with sub-eight hundred FICO scores who earn less than seventeen million dollars a month.
11/23/2011 – Paul Slaybaugh with Realty Executives prepares to give thanks to his faithful clients for helping him successfully navigate another crazy year in the ever-changing waters of the Scottsdale Real Estate scene.
Thank you, Arizona. Looking forward to another year of firsts, both real and imagined.
– Paul
Scottsdale Home Inspector Declares War on Leaky Pipes, “Dumbass Realtors”
Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley home inspector has declared war on leaky pipes.
And Real Estate agents.
Tired of consumer demands for advice on matters outside of the scope of his services, Lester Hubble has announced on his small business website that receives up to four visits a day that all future inquiries about what the seller is obligated to fix will be directed to his blistered middle finger.
“I offer home inspection services, not transactional advice,” an exasperated Hubble explained when reached for comment. “Want to know what to do with the information provided in my report? Talk to the guy in the khakis and eighty dollar sunglasses.”
“Your Realtor,” Hubble clarified. “You know, the guy making three percent to show up for the last five minutes of the inspection and act like he knows the difference between his ass and a hole in the freon line.”
Reached for comment, local Realtor Dolores Dunmisset acknowledged that she had no idea what she requested on the last repair demand list she submitted on behalf of a client.
“GFCIs, HVACs … most of the stuff in those reports sounds like a designation I should have on my business card,” she chuckled. “I just know that if it shows up on the last page, it’s broken and we want it fixed.”
“Me and a few of my friends started adding bogus items to our reports a few months back,” Hubble confided. “Since ninety nine percent of these idiots would call their handyman for a repair bid on a faulty particle accelerator so long as it appeared in the summary, we have a running bet to see who can get the craziest thing included in a demand list.”
Asked if he was bitter that Realtors, who would seem to know very little about the actual workings of a house, stand to earn an inordinately high fee for every transaction in comparison to the $250-450 he charges per inspection, Hubble did not equivocate.
“Yes.”
Hubble did admit that he had encountered a handful of agents over the years who actually asked pertinent questions and sought clarification on the exact nature of the deficiencies noted in his reports, but was quick to add that stumbling upon those rare exceptions was akin to discovering Bigfoot playing lawn darts with the Loch Ness Monster in Area 51.
“A needle in a blown-in stack of fiberglass,” he explained.
Unbeknownst to them, those very agents are the unwitting commodities being wagered by Hubble and his cohorts in what has turned into a high stakes affair.
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “Winner gets books of preferred agent business from the losers. Losers fight over the game show hosts and Fembots.”
Asked if he was winning the contest, Hubble shook his head.
“I really need to up my game if I’m going to top Fahlengrade. Reverse polarity on a traversable wormhole within the sump pump was epic.”
Reached for comment, the National Association of Realtors released a statement warning consumers to consult their home inspection specialist about the dangers of faulty wiring.
–Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011
Report: Appraiser Works Feverishly to Prevent Appreciation in Housing Market
Carefree, AZ – A Valley appraiser is fighting back against the fledgling housing recovery. Citing a disturbing trend in sales data that indicates home prices may be inching up in some parts of the greater Phoenix metropolitan area, Dieter Gaines of Hindsight Appraisals is leading the charge against what he considers to be bubble-inducing, artificial advances.
“If there is anything to be learned from the frenzy of two thousand four to two thousand six,” Gaines said of the unprecedent spike in home values that precipitated the crash of two thousand eight. “It’s that we can never again allow the runaway train of home appreciation to destabilize our market.”
Pressed on whether a free-falling market could really be further undermined by the natural period of recovery that follows a decline, Gaines was adamant.
“Sure,” he noted. “Just a mild gain here, or a slight bump there seems harmless enough if taken as isolated phenomena, but it’s a slippery slope … or incline, as it were. Left unchecked, the entire market is running uphill before you know it.”
Believing all forms of appreciation to be creations of the criminally gullible and Democrats, Gaines is determined to single-handedly stymie the next crisis before it starts.
“Last one I did was an acre parcel in the Town of Paradise Valley,” Gaines said. “Custom home, two thousand nine construction, purchase price of one point six million. Comped out at about one point nine. Thought I was screwed until I found a pig farm twelve miles away that helped me bring it in low.”
Not all Real Estate professionals are sold on the revolutionary approach Gaines refers to as ‘forced market normalcy’.
“Idiot thinks he’s the Amazing Kreskin,” one local Realtor who asked to remain anonymous complained when reached for comment. “I gave him ten solid comps from the past three months that justified purchase price, and he still managed to divine that the house was worth a thousand less than a willing buyer and seller agreed to in the open market.”
“Judgment calls,” Gaines explained with a smile when presented with a host of such complaints.
“I mean, a thousand less,” the anonymous agent added. “On a three point eight million dollar sale? I don’t know whether to kick him in the teeth or take him to Vegas. Little prick must kill it at the roulette table.”
“Sometimes I feel guilty about standing between homeowners and their equity,” Gaines admitted. “But then I swallow a handful of barbiturates and sit down to watch Natural Born Killers until it goes away. Usually wake up three days later in a truck stop restroom, right as rain.”
Responding to claims that he is leveraging the ‘Declining Market’ stigma to ensure his top-of-line status with underwriters and banks who are all too happy to suppress values, and in turn, the financial risk of each new loan they fund, Gaines admitted to a certain level of satisfaction.
“Realtors have been looking over my shoulder for years, questioning my evaluations,” he explained on followup, acknowledging that new regulations intended to decrease market volatility have made it easier for him to deflect such scrutiny. “Well, now that the shoe is on the other foot, I’ve got a question of my own.”
“How ya like me now, b1$ch?”
The Arizona Board of Appraisers declined comment on this story.
Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011
Longtime Home Shopper Fires Agent, Adopts Springer Spaniel
11/14/2011
Scottsdale, AZ – In a turn of events that only the most astute amateur psychologist could have seen coming, a longtime Phoenix area home shopper has split with her Real Estate agent of four years.
Sources indicate that Haley Cosmo had become frustrated in recent months with the lack of attention she was being paid by her professional significant other.
“It started somewhere around the two hundredth house we looked at,” Cosmo confirmed. “A cute, little bank-owned Victorian that would have been perfect if the medicine cabinet in the guest bath had a third shelf.”
According to Cosmo, her agent’s behavior became erratic shortly after that fateful August showing.
“He started chasing me off the phone after an hour, right in the middle of a sentence, with some cockamamie excuse like he had to get the kids dressed for school or go present a contract,” Cosmo complained. “I’d text him at 12 AM about the house I should have bought last year and wouldn’t get a response for like twenty minutes! Twenty!”
Noting that Real Estate is a service industry and that her agent <name withheld> stands to gross almost $2800 before taxes when she ultimately purchases a home, Cosmo believes the deterioration in the relationship can be attributed to nothing more than misplaced priorities.
“It wasn’t always this way,” she lamented. “In the beginning, we used to talk. I mean really talk. Now it just seems like we are always going in different directions.”
“Besides,” she added. “He already taught me everything he knows about the area and the market. Not like he’s bringing anything new to our weekly tours at this point.”
“Not all agent-client relationships are a good fit,” Arizona Association of Realtors spokesperson Aru Cereous admitted when reached for comment. “Especially when one party is a bugshit crazy person with boundary issues who has no genuine interest in ever completing a home purchase.”
“He kept pushing me away, telling me he had to see other people,” Cosmo added. “Now I may be a modern woman, but I am not ready for an open relationship with my Realtor.”
“I think I need an agent more in tune with my needs.”
Or a dog, as it turns out.
Having given up the house hunt for the time being, Cosmo claims to be happier than she’s ever been with the new addition to the studio apartment she’s renting while she waits for her condo in Blythe to sell.
“Griswald never has a scheduling conflict,” Cosmo noted, patting the Springer Spaniel as she retrieved a piece of waste with a plastic bag.
“Maybe I’ll see if I can get him licensed when the time comes to try again.”
Asked whether she felt any remorse for divorcing her agent on the grounds of irreconcilable differences before he could be compensated for the time, effort and expense spent over the course of their relationship, Cosmo’s response was succinct.
“F&%$ him.”
– Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011
Willy Was a Liar
Willy was a liar.
Not a teller of tall tales, not a stretcher of the truth, but a pathological liar. Whether swearing that his Uncle Doug played cowbell on Blue Oyster Cult’s ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper,’ or assuring an unsuspecting child that one plus one equals purple, weaving extravagant falsehoods came as naturally to the forty six year old Nobel laureate/nuclear physicist/bratwurst-eating champion as breathing.
So it was that Willy found himself speaking with a Real Estate agent one late autumn morning, outlining his very specific criteria for the home he intended to purchase.
“The community must be horse-friendly,” Willy informed the agent. “Did I tell you Starchaser showed at Belmont last year? Would have won if he didn’t come up lame half a length from the tape.”
Harris Burfect struggled to keep up, scribbling in the margins of a notepad already overwhelmed with his chicken-scratch. A cynic by nature, Harris had taken the appointment on the off chance that the Danny DeVito look-alike was legit. He’d learned his lesson about prematurely blowing off prospects as flakes the hard way.
“And no wells,” Willy continued. “Arsenic poisoning claimed his sire at the ranch I used to own in Montana.”
“We’ll certainly have the property inspected for hazar-”
“Wasn’t the well itself that did him in,” Willy insisted, waving off the agent’s placation. “It was old man Monticore. He was always jealous of my stallions, as he was right to be. He couldn’t raise a barn in Amish country, let alone a thoroughbred.”
“Autopsy was ruled inconclusive,” he continued, making air quotes with his sausage fingers. “But he had everyone from the coroner to the constable in his hip pocket. Those thieves had been trying to run me out of that two-bit town ever since I struck oil in the summer of two thousand and two. Greedy pigs would stop at nothing to get me off that claim.”
Harris shook out the cramp in his hand and turned to a new page. Words such as ‘ranch’ and ‘oil’ had dollar bills dancing in his mind’s eye despite his swirling doubts.
“Okay, no wells,” he yielded, eager to steer the conversation back on course. “You okay with septic systems? Most horse properties pre-date the sewer, and not too many ranchers around here have bothered to take on the expense of linking up to it.”
“Well that simply won’t do,” Willy replied. “Septic systems are a biological nightmare. Did you know that the leech field of a typical alternative waste disposal system contains more radioactive residue than a centrifuge that has processed atomic material within the past twenty four hours?”
“I’m not familiar with-”
“It’s true,” Willy assured him. “Over the years, I’ve seen far more extra fingers and missing teeth in remote villages where such waste systems are used than I did during my humanitarian mission to Chernobyl back in ninety eight.”
“Fascinating,” Harris admitted, gawking at the vaguely unhealthy-looking man across the table from him. “How long were you there?”
“Only about six months,” Willy responded. “I wanted to stay, but the intel I’d gathered was deemed too urgent by the powers that be. In hindsight, it was for the best that they pulled me out when they did. Started noticing these … growths.”
Willy rubbed a stooped shoulder as he stared off into the infinity through glassy, brown eyes.
“Powers that be,” Harris wondered. “You mean like CIA?”
Willy pulled back from wherever he’d gone and looked straight at the agent, winking.
“I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”
“Got it, moving on,” Harris allowed. “Have you spoken with a lender about your financing options yet?”
He turned his head to follow the scent of rosemary that passed by on a tray, instantly regretting his own order. He found a dismissive smile on his client’s ruddy face when he turned back.
“I’ll be paying cash,” Willy informed Harris, signalling the agent closer.
Harris leaned across the table to steal a glance at the clipped wad of cash Willy produced from the front pocket of his one size too small, navy blue coat.
“Not that I keep all of my money in greenbacks,” Willy assured him, fiddling with the gold chain around his neck. “If you don’t think ten million will get it done, I’ll prep my assistant to move some bullion. Or maybe a couple of the Rembradts.”
“Very good,” Harris gulped, picturing a humorless courier walking into the title company with an attache case handcuffed to his wrist. His internal crazy alarm had moved to DEFCON-3, but he was willing to play out the string. He’d already invested this much time.
“So when do you want to start looking?”
“Straight away,” Willy answered, checking his watch as he stood. “As soon as I get back from the Maldives.”
“Now if you’ll excuse me,” he said. “I have a B-2 Spirit to catch.”
Harris made a move for his wallet.
“Please,” Willy said, staying the agent’s arm with his hand. “You insult me.”
He peeled a few bills from his roll and dropped them on the table.
“Have a productive trip, Mr. Stiffu,” Harris said as he extended his hand.
“Can’t shake,” Willy lamented, tossing him a flippant two-finger salute instead. “My attorneys advise it could potentially void the insurance policy.”
“We’ll be in touch. Be ready.”
With that, the squat, little enigma of a man turned on his heel and strolled out of the cafe, stopping once to tell an older couple studying a menu that the eggs benedict were excellent today.
A bemused grin spread across the agent’s face. He was still smiling when the waitress came by to clear the two plates of half-eaten pancakes and settle the check. Who knew? If even a fraction of what he’d been told was true, there might be a sale somewhere in the middle of it yet. Stranger things had happened.
“Sir?”
Harris didn’t hear her as he polished off the last lukewarm swallow of coffee. He was preoccupied with the ornate insignia stamped across the saucer upon which the dainty cup had been resting.
“Sir?”
Monticore Fine China.
“Son of a bitch,” Harris breathed.
“Sir,” the waitress said again, louder.
Harris looked up at the fresh-faced server.
“What am I supposed to do with this,” she asked, waving a stack of Monopoly money hidden beneath a one dollar bill. “Buy Park Place?”
“Sucker’s play,” Harris sighed, reaching for his wallet for the second time in five minutes. “Nobody lands on Boardwalk.”
Real Estate Investor Attempts Tax-Deferred Exchange; Gets ‘Occupied’
Scottsdale, AZ – A Valley man attempting a tax deferred housing exchange has met with unlikely opposition: the self-described ‘ninety nine percent’.
Retired postal worker Bryce S. Rhite is currently in the middle of selling the South Scottsdale investment property he has owned for thirty years. Utilizing a device known as a 1031 Tax Deferred Exchange in Real Estate parlance, taxes from the capital gain will be deferred indefinitely so long as the proceeds from the sale are directed towards the purchase of a like property within a prescribed period of time.
This does not sit well with a group identifying itself as Occupy 8307 E. Clarendon Avenue.
“This is just another example of how the plutocrats fatten themselves off the blood of the proletariat,” Occupy spokesman Lester Yu told reporters as he picketed in front of the mid-century ranch home this morning.
“We sit in our underwater houses and pay our taxes,” Yu railed. “Yet one percenters like Mr. Rhite who still have equity in their properties don’t pay a nickel because their friends in Congress create special loopholes to keep wealth in the hands of the oligarchs.”
Another protester, dressed as an Ewok, told reporters that he is fed up with the empire using Endor as a staging area for its capitalistic imperialism. He was later arrested for urinating on a shrub.
The protest drew at least one unlikely participant in Leonard Short, the tenant currently living in the disputed property. Short acknowledged that he was grateful to Mr. Rhite for accepting his lease application despite his admittedly shaky credit and spotty employment record, but felt his landlord should have to pay his fair share like everyone else.
“I’ve got nothing bad to say about the man,” Short stated. “Except that he is a tick on the n*ts&ck of America.”
When reached for comment, Mr. Rhite was perplexed as to the furor surrounding his use of a popular tax code provision that is available to all.
“I bought this house for twenty two thousand dollars,” Rhite said. “Had to work five years of double shifts to save enough for the down payment. I’m not tryin’ to pull a fast one, just ready to get out of this property and into somethin’ else. Ain’t like the money’s goin’ under my mattress.”
That justification did little to mollify the Ewok, who jabbed at passersby with a stick while shouting, “No blood for oil!”
“I just want a little place in the mountains now,” Rhite added. “Pinetop, maybe Prescott.”
“Don’t we all,” Yu responded. “Don’t we all.”
For now, there is nothing the protesters can do to stop the tax-free sale. With the preponderance of attendees believing they had assembled to take part in a flashmob or to protest the less than stellar third season of Jersey Shore, however, that fact did little to dampen the group’s enthusiasm.
“Being out here, letting our voices be heard, is the only way to affect change,” a protester going by the name of Chaz proclaimed. “Or at least get on the news. Hi mom.”
— Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2011
Local Real Estate Brokerage Cancels Popular Charity Event, Cites Lack of Leads
Paradise Valley, AZ – Citing a lack of viable leads, local Real Estate giant, Kraken Realty has announced the cancellation of its annual ‘Strike Out Gout!’ charity event. A Valley institution since 1992, the popular fundraiser has been a bright spot in the fight against advanced podiatric disease for nearly two decades.
“It’s with great regret that I inform the residents of our great community that ‘Strike Out Gout’ has bowled its last frame,” Kraken marketing director Judd GiMente told reporters. “We thank everyone who has joined us in standing up to foot disease these past nineteen years, but all good publicity stunts must come to an end.”
Pressed for further explanation, GiMente acknowledged that underwhelming lead generation numbers factored heavily into the decision to abandon an event which raises tens of dollars each year.
“Look,” GiMente stated candidly. “At the end of the day, we are in the sales business, not the ‘let’s go blow a Saturday at the bowling alley’ business. If we can’t turn a little goodwill into some cold, hard dollars and cents, someone else can pick up the anti-microbial torch in the fight against fungus.”
Having expanded the event’s focus in recent years to include those burdened with bunions and corns resembling b-list celebrities, the news comes as a crushing blow to many suffering from embarrassing foot maladies.
“Medicare won’t cover my experimental treatment,” Scottsdale resident Dorothy Swellen lamented, tormented by a growth on her big toe that looks like Bea Arthur. “Without the help of ‘SOG,’ I don’t know how I’m going to pay for the cryogenic chamber or the bunsen burners.”
While sympathetic to the plight of those who have come to rely on the proceeds from the event, GiMente was quick to point out that it takes two to tango.
“In an ‘I scratch your back, you scratch mine’ relationship, it doesn’t work when only one party is doing the scratching,” he claimed.
GiMente did admit that the choice in charitable cause may have had something to do with the disappointing lead conversion numbers.
“People with foot problems don’t like to move,” he said. “And the ones that do won’t even look at a two-story.”
Though there may be a void in the Valley’s collective conscience today, GiMente wouldn’t close the door on the possibility of future pseudo philanthropy.
“We’d like to get involved with a more ambulatory demographic at some point,” he added. “Maybe boredom?”
Whatever affliction the company dives into next, GiMente made it clear that it must be early stage.
“Can’t rightly have all of our leads dying in the middle of a transaction, now can we?”
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– Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News
This parody would be in violation of approximately 87 federal fair housing provisions if it weren’t complete and utter nonsense. Don’t tase me, bro!