We’re here to sell houses and chew bubblegum. We’re all out of bubblegum.
Steps from the Walking Path in McCormick Ranch!
House after house you visit. This one too big, that one too small. This one with a funky added “bonus” room, that one with a host of dubious “updates”.
Just when you are ready to give up the hunt, the skies part, and the perfect home appears on the market horizon like Odysseus finally returning to port.
And it sells in like two minutes … before you even get a chance to see it.
Don’t let it happen again!
Situated in the coveted Estate Los Arboles subdivision of McCormick Ranch, this nearly 3200 square foot Camelot home offers the perfect palate for your vivid cosmetic ideas.
Structurally sound with great “bones”, this Embassy model includes all of the architectural features that you have been struggling to find in McCormick Ranch: 4 bedrooms, 2.5 baths, 3100+ sq ft, elevated ceilings, large island kitchen, large walk-in pantry, recessed lighting, new(er) kitchen appliances, wet bar, fireplace, natural light-providing atrium, master suite with sitting area, large guest bedrooms, heated pool & spa, and more.
(click images to enlarge)
Some of the cosmetics are in need of updating, and the seller has carved out some room in the listing price for you to bring your own ideas. Why pay for someone else’s remodeling when you can pick exactly what you want?
Don’t mistake this opportunity to add your own finishing touches for a distressed home, however. The owner has taken exceptional care of the property, adding a new roof in 2010, re-plastering the pool, replacing the hot water heater, and performing other needed maintenance over the years.
The heavy lifting has been done. All that is left for you to tackle is the fun stuff!
Located mere steps from the famed McCormick Ranch greenbelt, all of the amenities of McCormick Ranch are readily accessible and walkable. With the Paseo Village Shopping Center within minutes on foot in one direction (McDonalds, LA Fitness, Sumits Yoga, Lock Stock & Bagel, Walgreens, etc), and Comanche Park immediately next door to the subdivision in the other direction, there is no shortage of choices for the day’s agenda.
It’s up to you just how leisurely or productive you want to be.
Come see what McCormick Ranch living is all about. Contact Paul Slaybaugh today for a viewing of your new home and community. And be quick about it. Opportunities like this do not come often, and do not stay late.
*Foot-draggers need not apply.
Click for full property details for Via De La Luna Home in McCormick Ranch
Learn more about Estate Los Arboles in McCormick Ranch
Use the interactive street map below to take a tour of Estate Los Arboles!
‘Tis the Season to Reanimate A Realtor
Early navigated the room with a panache befitting the guest of honor. The fact that he was but one of the invited many did nothing to discourage the lopsided grin from his freckled face. This was his night.
Spying a familiar couple loitering in the vicinity of the punch bowl, Early staggered in their direction.
“David! Katherine,” Early boomed, thrusting his hand like a bayonet at the former before wrapping the latter in a boozy half-embrace.
“What’s it been, two, three years?”
“What a surprise,” the woman said through a forced smile. Her eyes implored her husband for help as she tried to wriggle out from under Early’s heavy forearm.
“More like six or seven,” David corrected, extracting his wife, Carol, by her bony elbow.
“How’s the house,” Early continued undeterred. Red liquid sloshed over the rim of the punch bowl as he lunged for the ladle, scattering several fellow revelers.
“Outgrown that little place yet? Prices are really on the rise, it might be the time to move on up!”
“We did,” David deadpanned, staring directly into his former agent’s swimming, cobalt eyes. “This fall.”
“Good for you,” Early gushed, clapping the intense, little man on the shoulder. “You should have called me, though. I would have gotten you more money.”
“Funny you say that-” David began, but Early was already on the move.
The couple shared an eye roll as the squishy man in the small, plaid coat plowed through a knot of protesting guests en route to his next target.
“Jathon,” Early slurred as he locked on to another past client. His prey’s eyes darted in all directions for a lifeline, but it was too late. He was caught in the drunken tractor beam.
“Hello, Early,” Jason mumbled, offering a stick of gum to the close-talker that was summarily declined. “How’s it going?”
“That depends,” Early grinned, confident in his wittiness. “Why don’t you ask my jeweler?”
He flashed a turquoise boulder that was the latest in a long procession of candidates to adorn his left ring finger.
“Don’t tell the ex, though,” Early whisper-shouted with an exaggerated wink. “She’ll hit me up for more child support.”
“So you’re back in real estate, then,” Jason stated rhetorically.
“Yessir, back in black,” Early bragged, punctuating the boast with a clumsy attempt at shadow boxing.
“Too bad you weren’t around two years ago when I had to sell short,” Jason lamented, a twinge of spite turning the statement into an accusation. “I called your office. They said you were selling mobile phone plans.”
“Two years ago, you say,” Early asked, his thin, reddish-blonde eyebrows arching. “That means you should be in a position to buy!”
Early fumbled through his jacket for a card. He wiggled the tips of his sausage fingers just far enough into a strained breast pocket to extract one.
“Wait, wrong one,” Early frowned, tucking the card for his event planning business back in his pocket and fishing out another one. “Ah, here it is!”
Jason marveled at the hand-written name and cell phone number before declining the offering.
“Thanks Early, but I’m already hooked up with someone.”
“Come on, Jathon,” Early groaned, nearly falling as he swayed forward. He was now sweating profusely in the cold room.
“Whoth gonna get you a better deal than me?”
“Oh I don’t know,” Jason replied. “Maybe someone who sticks with me in the down times, too?”
“Whath that thuppoth to mean,” Early demanded, his brow beetled to comedic degree with confusion.
Several nearby guests looked at the pair sharply.
“You’re a front-runner, Early,” Jason informed the teetering agent.
“You’re damn right I am,” Early boomed, spilling his drink and missing the point.
The rubber-neckers slowly backed away from the unfolding scene.
“How can I trust you today if you won’t be around for the consequences tomorrow,” Jason asked pointedly. “You hop in and out of the business like a rabbit with ADD.”
“I-uh, well, that’s just …,” Early stammered. “Guy’s gotta make a living …”
“Have a nice night, Early,” Jason excused himself.
“Fine! Who needs you anyway,” Early shouted after him. “I’m knocking down ten k a month! How’s THAT for front running?!”
The room went quiet as all eyes fell upon the reeling agent. A slender woman weaved through the stunned gawkers, the clicking of her heels clearly audible.
“You promised you wouldn’t do this, Early,” the hostess said quietly upon reaching him, her red-sequined dress now attracting attention she didn’t want.
“Do what,” Early croaked, gesturing at the silent throng, “Offer my friends the deal of a lifetime?!”
“MY friends, Early,” she corrected. “Mine.”
“Oh, okay. I get it,” Early announced, hands up in defensive fashion. “I see how it is. Well, the hell with you, sis!”
“The hell with all of you,” he boomed, his face turning a deep crimson.
He lurched towards the door after making a circuitous detour to refill his dixie cup. He stopped in the doorway and turned to face the hushed crowd. He held the cup aloft as if making a toast.
“Early Croffort, proudly not serving any of your real estate needs since 2012,” he spit.
Early took as deep a bow as his equilibrium would allow, downed the contents, crushed the cup in his fist, and extended his middle finger.
“Happy new year, fukerths!”
With that, he turned and stormed into the night.
The silence in the room lingered for a full minute.
“And here I thought the downturn weeded agents like him from the industry,” a man’s voice chimed in, breaking the silence.
“It did,” another assured him. “For awhile, at least. Now that the market’s getting better, all the zombies are coming back to life. Agents like him are straight Freddy Kruger.”
“Where did he come from anyway,” a bewildered woman asked.
“Personal referral,” yet another party-goer answered. Nearly everyone in attendance cast a look at the mortified hostess whose head was now buried in her hands.
“Just goes to show there’s only one place to find someone you can truly trust these days,” someone else decreed.
The guests looked around at each other, nodding. Murmured agreement rippled through the gathering before numerous voices made the proclamation in unison.
“The internet.”
Real Estate Market Bi-Polar; Follows Suicide Attempt with Raging Kegger
June 20, 2012
Scottsdale, AZ – As anyone who has attempted to buy or sell a home over the past seven years can attest, the Real Estate market has proven unstable at best. New findings released by the Phoenix-based American Behavioral Coalition this morning may explain why.
“The Scottsdale Real Estate Market suffers from Schizoaffective Disorder,” Dr. Angela Merkins of the ABC claims.
You mean it’s mental?
“Well, it suffers from a personality disorder anyway,” Dr. Merkins affirmed. “Comparing the peaks and valleys of the past decade to the market’s baseline history, we can only conclude that an acute trauma, brought on by a specific event, caused a psychotic break with consciousness that has yet to be fully repaired.”
Dr. Merkins expanded when pressed on the nature of said event.
“Could have been anything,” Dr. Merkins explained. “A chance encounter with a cash-poor investor triggering a suppressed memory from the 1980s, an episode of delusional paranoia spurred by an influx of Californian speculators, who knows? All that is clear is that the Scottsdale Real Estate Market went bugshit crazy on February 14th, 2005.”
From high-rolling night-owl that snorts Alka Seltzer off the bare stomachs of $5000 a night showgirls, to indigent transient that smells of four day old cat food and sour milk, the Scottsdale Real Estate Market has seen more ups and downs in recent years than a Mount Everest sherpa. Until recently, the market had been under the care and supervision of the mental health staff at ABC, but its current whereabouts are unknown after budget cutbacks mandated its transfer to a less secure facility.
“I’m worried about it,” Dr. Merkins confirmed, acknowledging that the patient, disguised as JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon, recently checked itself out of a halfway house. “After a long period of clinical depression, the market was finally coming around. But now, all that progress hangs in the balance.”
This is often the most dangerous point for a psychiatric patient.
“The concern is that the patient will feel the medication and therapy that has brought him or her back to a point of normalcy is no longer necessary, especially if the pull to experience the rush of a manic phase is too strong to resist. They think they can just go back on their medication once they’ve experienced the exhilaration of the high and avoid the low, but it doesn’t work like that.”
Asked if she saw any particular danger of that occurring in this instance, Dr. Merkins was blunt.
“Look at what’s going on out there,” she lamented. “Multiple offers, bidding wars, pictures on the internet of the market passed out at a frat party with a lampshade on its head … the only thing missing is stated income financing for jobless meth addicts.”
When asked if she had had any communications with her former patient, Dr. Merkins blushed.
“It left me a message at two AM this morning,” Dr. Merkins confessed, holding up her cell phone as evidence. “Mostly slurred speech to the point of being incomprehensible, but I distinctly heard the phrase Colombian bath salts.”
So what does this mean for Scottsdale home buyers and sellers?
“Buckle up and keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,” Dr. Merkins cautioned. “And don’t take any open beverages from a stranger. Trust me on this.”
– Paul Slaybaugh, BSRE News ©2012
Oversized Lot For Sale in McCormick Ranch. House Included.
When you targeted McCormick Ranch as the apex destination for your new home search, you did so for one of several reasons. It might have been the prime, central location; amenities such as the renowned walking paths, lakes and parks; the award-winning schools or …
To get your hands on one of the lush, oversized lots that are about as common as a duck-billed unicorn in other parts of the Valley.
Even within the confines of McCormick Ranch, there are lots, and then there are LOTS. Our new listing at 8001 N. Del Laton stands apart from the crowd with a whole lot of lot. No equivocation, this is one of the best pieces of property within Scottsdale’s most popular master planned community.
Featuring private gated access to the walking path that runs directly behind the property (leads to Rotary Park), this one of a kind parcel of almost 18,000 square feet is simply magnificent. Highlighted by a heated pebble-tec pool and spa, the backyard is the paradise your entertainer’s heart desires. Whether you use the generous space to stage a wedding reception or game of tackle football is up to you.
Did we mention this prized parcel comes with a house?
Just shy of 2500 square feet, the Von Dix built home in the Tierra Feliz subdivision features 3 bedrooms and 2 & 1/2 baths. Originally four bedrooms, one room was converted into, perhaps, the largest walk-in closet in McCormick Ranch.
Over the past decade, the owner has eliminated the dated step-ups and step-downs that vex many McCormick Ranch home shoppers, and opened up the wall between the living room and family room to create a flowing great room concept.
The kitchen has been updated with slab granite counter tops, painted white cabinets and newer appliances. Newer flooring throughout the home includes faux stone tile in the main traffic areas.
The master bath has been completely remodeled with slate stone tile flooring, counter tops and shower/tub surrounds. The tub, itself, was added where the original closet had been.
Ever cognizant of the warm, sunny days and your energy usage in the summer months, the owner has installed plantation shutters throughout much of the home and replaced the original sliding glass doors in the family room and the bay windows in the breakfast nook with dual-pane Pellas. This home does not include the soaring vaulted ceilings that certain buyers initially covet, before realizing that extra cubic footage requires cooling. The newer A/C will help keep those June – August electric bills down as well.
Throw in a roof that was replaced a couple years ago and a complete exterior paint job in May of 2012, and you’ve yourself got one special offering.
Are you the type that likes to add your own finishing touches? The sky is the limit in terms of the value that can be supported on this lot in this location, so bring your ideas both big and small. The setting can achieve whatever your imagination can conceive.
Learn more about McCormick Ranch and its amenities
View floor plans for McCormick Ranch homes
View all homes for sale in McCormick Ranch
Ray & Paul Slaybaugh
Your McCormick Ranch Real Estate Specialists Since Forever and a Day
Property Details
Seller’s Market
Max Welling sipped from the “Denny’s” emblazoned ceramic mug, gritting his teeth against the watered-down confection masquerading as coffee within, the inviting aroma nothing more than a ruse. A useful diversion as he mentally composed his argument, the swill was nonetheless an affront to his connoisseur’s sensibilities.
“Good, huh,” his smug companion inquired, seeking less an opinion than an acknowledgement of the self-evident truth.
“You were right,” Max agreed, nodding at the moon-faced young man as he set the mug down on the Ms. Pacman coaster on the metal table between them. “Definitely not the usual.”
Greyson “Graze” Mays smirked as he swiveled away from Max on his chrome bar stool, only to jolt back a moment later, arresting his indulgent spin with a pair of green Converse One Stars. He steepled his fingers under his chin as he redirected the conversation back to the matter at hand.
“So in light of recent developments,” Graze began, indicating not the half-inch thick ream of subdivision data that the Realtor had spent the previous hour belaboring, but newspaper clippings from various periodicals that were haphazardly spread about the table. “This is clearly a seller’s market, and buyers will pay a premium for a unique home such as this one.”
Max looked about the three bedroom ranch, thinking the shade of formica on the kitchen counter tops might have been slightly different in the home of the same model that sold down the street in January for eighty five thousand less than his erstwhile companion had in mind.
“It’s true that the market has turned,” Max allowed. “However, there has to be some basis for-“
“I showed you the new crown molding in the master bedroom, right,” Graze interrupted.
“You did,” Max affirmed. “It’s lovely.”
“And the chandelier I added in the dining room?”
“Beautiful choice,” Max replied, craning his neck to take in the garish atrocity that was the self-styled hipster’s attempt at retro ironic.
“Look,” Max began, changing the arc. “You have a great house, and it will likely sell above recent comps due to the work you’ve done and the lack of competition in the market, but within reason. We can’t jump comps by the better part of a hundred grand and realistically expect to find a buyer.”
“There’s no way my house is worth less than I paid for it,” Graze objected, adjusting his black, horn-rimmed glasses. “All these articles say prices are up twenty percent!”
“Three things,” Max said, holding up three well-tanned, corresponding fingers. “First, you have to remember that you bought the home in oh eight. Unfortunately, the market experienced three straight years of heavy losses before this recent resurgence.”
“But-“
“Second,” Max interrupted, returning the favor. “You can’t directly apply general market trends and percentages to any one specific property. Yes, the median sales price for the Valley is up approximately twenty percent in the last twelve months, but we can’t throw out the most recent neighborhood-specific sales in favor of such broad generalities to determine current market value.”
“The people down the street-“
“Are smoking crack,” Max finished over Graze again. “Just because they are asking an egregiously stupid price for their home, doesn’t mean we have to hop in the idiot bus to clambake with them. People can ask whatever they want for something. It’s irrelevant to value until they get it.”
“Third,” Graze challenged.
“Third is the inconvenient matter of the appraisal,” Max obliged. “Even if we luck into a buyer who just fell off the turnip truck, it means nothing if the home doesn’t appraise. And you can bet your bippy that an appraiser will review the very same sales I’m looking at when I tell you that the house is justifiably worth no more than two ten, max.”
“Great Scott,” Graze moaned, removing his spectacles and face-palming himself. A prematurely receding hairline did nothing to mitigate the fact that he looked all of thirteen years old without his glasses.
“The good news is that prices are finally heading in the right direction,” Max volunteered. “Another year or two at this rate and we’ll be able to break you out of here.”
“But by then I won’t be able to afford the new house I want to buy,” Graze lamented.
“That’s the rub,” Max ceded. “But there’s more than one way to skin a Kardashian.”
“I’m listening,” Blaze allowed, smiling despite himself at his elder counterpart’s clumsy attempt to bridge the generational divide through pop culture.
“You might consider renting the house out for the next year or two,” Max obliged. “As long as you qualify to carry both loans, you can lock in a new place at today’s prices while someone else pays the rent on this place until it gets to a point where we can sell it.”
“Not real keen on being a landlord,” Graze worried, taking a sip of his own iced coffee through a purple twisty straw. “Can’t bear to think of a tenant on the new shag carpet. You sure you can’t sell it for two ninety?”
“I’m good, but I’m not that good,” Max assured him. He stood and gathered his things. “I’ll run some rental figures this evening and let you know how they look. In the meantime, why don’t you call this guy.”
Max placed a business card on the table.
“My go-to lender. He should be able to tell you whether or not it’s feasible to buy without having to sell just yet.”
Graze looked at the card, but made no move to retrieve it.
“No offense, but I think I’m going to get a second opinion,” he informed the agent. “There’s a Realtor that specializes in this neighborhood. I get her flyers and mailings all the time.”
“By all means,” Max welcomed. “If she really knows the neighborhood, she’ll give it to you straight.”
“Well, thank you so much for the good news and enthusiasm,” Graze muttered, straightening his Napoleon Dynamite t-shirt as he walked Max to the door. “Want to kick my dog on the way out?”
“Nah, I like dogs,” Max grinned, reaching down to pet the yipping, over-sized rodent that joined them in the foyer. “But your coffee tastes like shit.”
Taken aback by the affront, a slight gurgle emanated from the younger man’s fleshy gullet.
Judas, his watery brown eyes hissed.
Max shrugged, hardened into the role of executioner by the last half decade.
“Call me when your listing with the neighborhood expert expires.”
4841 E Wagoner Rd: Patio Home Perfection in Belmont at Triple Crown
Welcome to Belmont at Triple Crown.
Nestled in the heart of Scottsdale’s renowned Triple Crown community along the Tatum corridor, Belmont is the crown jewel of the prestigious 85254 zip code. A gated “lock and leave” subdivision which beckons seasonal and year-round residents alike, it features the appealing newer, block construction of Centex Homes in an ideal central location. With all of the privacy of single-family homes on more manageable “patio home” style lots, residents enjoy a lifestyle of private enjoyment that does not sentence them to hours on end of excessive landscape maintenance.
And within Belmont at Triple Crown, we just so happen to have listed its finest home for sale.
Located in the center of the complex for added security, and away from any busy streets, the home at 4841 E. Wagoner Rd is replete with upgrades and extras over and above the typical offering.
The huge island kitchen includes upgraded white cabinetry, high-level slab granite counter tops, upgraded appliances, upgraded lighting an fixtures, and would be quite at home in a property twice the size of this 1952 square foot patio home.
Ceramic tile greets you at the front door and kitchen. Hardwood floors extend through the living, dining and family rooms. The bathrooms and laundry room feature upgraded marble flooring.
The family room features a gas fireplace and highly upgraded Anderson sliding glass doors. The South-facing backyard orientation allows for plenty of natural light. For those occasions when you’d rather block out the sun rather than invite it in, there are plantation shutters throughout the home in addition to a fully retractable back patio awning (remote control operated) that shades the entire patio area.
In addition to a guest bedroom and den/office, this wonderful home includes a generous master suite (master bedroom suite is 20′ x 18′) with two closets (one walk-in), double-sink vanity and separate shower and tub in the master bathroom.
The Spanish architecture of the home includes a full tile roof and a mission bell tower look to the front elevation.
In addition to the cosmetic upgrades, the home features many structural improvements including a newer A/C unit, newer water heater, soft water system, etc.
The community features a heated pool and spa in addition to the clubhouse and gym/exercise room. In fact, the walking path right next to the home leads directly to those amenities.
If you are ready to reclaim your weekends by abandoning the oversized yard that seemed like such a necessity at one time, you owe it to yourself to view this property. Give up the lawnmower, not your privacy.
Whether a jet-setter for business or pleasure who needs a lower maintenance home in a secure community for those times when you have to drop everything and leave for a month, or simply at a stage in life when you want single-family living, just minus the weekly headaches of yardwork, this is the home for you.
Call or email Paul Slaybaugh with Realty Executives today to arrange a private viewing of this stunning home.
480-220-2337
paul@scottsdalepropertyshop.com
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Full Property Details for 4841 E. Wagoner Rd, Scottsdale, AZ 85254
Shadow Mountain Serenity: 3031 E Friess Dr, Phoenix AZ
Looking for a rental home that doesn’t feel like a rental home? You’ve landed on the right page.
Nestled in the foothills of Shadow Mountain, this terrific five bedroom, three bath home is the pride of North Phoenix. That’s right, I said five true bedrooms.
A first-time rental, the relocating owners have painstakingly upgraded this home over the course of the last two years. From the architectural stone on the front exterior to the pavered front and back patios, you will be welcomed by the pride of ownership that simply does not exist in typical rental housing.
Featuring 4 bedrooms / 2 bathrooms up, and 1 bedroom and bath down, the 1998 construction boasts a family room, living room and formal dining area in addition to an eat-in kitchen nook.
And the kitchen … oh, the kitchen!
Recently remodeled with richly refinished cabinets, glass mosaic backsplash tile and newer appliances, you’ll be tempted to spread out on the generous kitchen island and simply bask in the room’s grandeur.
If you must leave the kitchen at some point, I highly suggest you only do so in favor of the resort-worthy backyard. The expanded back patio has been recently upgraded with pavers and a built-in firepit. Sit down for a spell on the built-in bench swing and let the world disappear for awhile as you laze away the day.
And, of course, the coup d’etat … the pebble-tec swimming lagoon (to just call it a “pool” would be a gross disservice). Fenced to accommodate those with fledgling swimmers, a salt-water filtration system was recently installed to spare your eyes, skin and hair the harsh chlorine experience. Perfect for a dip on those warm summer days, you’ll feel you’re treating yourself to a “staycation” in your very own home.
And what kind of resort experience would it be if you had to maintain said lagoon yourself? You provide the mimosas; the landlord will provide the pool service.
Of course, none of these amazing features would matter in the least if the home was not centrally located. Nice as the total package is, you likely wouldn’t want to commute to the other side of the moon to enjoy it. As the old adage goes, the three rules of Real Estate are location, location, location. Fortunately, the home sits along the prestigious 28th St and Thunderbird corridor. With high-end custom homes dotting the neighboring subdivisions, you will be equally thrilled with the ready access to the 51 freeway for an easy commute to downtown Phoenix.
If this is the lifestyle you envision, but aren’t quite ready to make the long-term commitment of a purchase, come take a test-run with us. Your only regret will be that you waited so long to start living the life you’ve always wanted.
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Full Property Details
Deep Freeze
“Why is his skin all splotchy?”
Chip Donaghue stared at the pathetic, grey man on the gurney. Tubes ran in and out of his crystallized body, connecting him to a bank of beeping machines and monitors.
“Sublimation is typical,” the humorless doctor beside him announced.
“Sublimation?”
“Freezer burn,” the doctor clarified, his high-pitched voice at odds with its gravelly undertones. He struck Chip as a man who had spent considerable time exploring the outer edges of life’s spectrum.
The beeping intensified moments before the patient sat straight up.
“He’s awake,” Chip shouted, taking a step toward the bed before being restrained by a vice-like grip.
He looked back to find the doctor’s skeletal hand clamped to his meaty shoulder.
How can he be that strong? Chip wondered.
“Keep your distance,” the doctor rasped. “He’s not lucid.”
“Like hell,” Chip argued, struggling in vain to free himself. “Look at him!”
“That’s just gas,” the doctor informed him.
“Gas,” Chip protested, incredulous. “He’s sitting up for crissakes!”
“The cells in the core are the first to awaken,” the doctor assured him. “They expand as they release CO2. Get too close during the herky-jerky and you’re apt to get clipped by an errant limb.”
The patient’s mouth remained a frozen “oh” as his sightless grey-brown eyes stared into the infinity. His right arm suddenly shot straight up.
“Pow, right in the kisser,” the doctor whispered. Sensing resignation, he relaxed his grip on Chip’s shoulder.
The two men watched in silence as random body parts took turns flailing about over the course of the next few minutes. Chip was reminded of a fish flopping around on dry land, desperate for breath. The room took on a gamey odor as life returned to long-dormant flesh.
The chaotic symphony reached the patient’s face.
“Now remember,” the doctor reminded Chip. “He’s not going to recognize you. Not at first, and maybe not at all.”
Chip sighed. He’d been waiting for this moment for six years. Now that it was finally here, he wasn’t sure he was ready for it.
The patient’s left eyelid spasmed. Then the right. His nose twitched.
This is it, Chip gulped. Please … oh, please …
“Mr. Niedelman?”
The patient did not respond to the doctor’s query.
“Mr. Niedelman,” the doctor tried again, in a stronger voice. “Can you hear me?”
Ed Niedelman broke six years of silence by barking like a dog.
“This happens sometimes,” the doctor assured Chip. “The synapses of the brain are especially prone to bursting and misfire upon rapid thaw. Give it a minute for the connections to reestablish themselves.”
“No,” Chip said shaking his head as the woofing continued unabated. “It worked! By God, it worked!”
The doctor raised a quizzical white eyebrow.
“This is how Ed celebrates a big sale,” Chip explained. “If you remember, we had him frozen at the closing table for the Meyers transaction. We had no more leads to feed him, so figured we’d put him on the shelf while we rode out the storm. Wanted his last memory to be a good one. Bless his heart, he still thinks it’s 2006!”
“Welcome back, big dog,” Chip, the managing broker at Prickly Pear Properties, gushed as he approached his sales associate. “You ready to eat?”
Niedelman jumped out of the bed, howling. He nearly lost his footing as he landed in a pool of water on the polished concrete floor.
“Outstanding,” Chip bellowed, clapping his underling on the back as he helped free him from the wires and tubes that bound him. “Let’s go wake up Peterson.”
The doctor attended to the vacated station as the awkward pair lumbered over to the next cryogenic chamber.
“One second, gentlemen,” he sighed, eyeing the half-naked, born-again charlatan and his Svengali with despair.
He had lost nearly fifty percent of his clients to reanimation since January first. The recovering Real Estate market was exciting news to everyone but him it seemed.
Time to start farming for new clientele.
But who? As Realtors began their rise from the ashes, which demographic was ready to take its place at the precipice of a great unknown … and in his freezer?
A thin smile spread across his narrow face as it came to him.
Of course, he thought. Moderate Republicans.
Real Estate Agent Goes Along to Get Along
Scottsdale, AZ – Recent studies suggest that consumers still envision salesmen as fast-talking, slick-haired, turquoise-pinkie-ring-flashing hucksters who would sooner eat their own gold teeth than hesitate to push their mothers into traffic if caught standing between them and a sale.
Which makes the case of Agnes Friedman all the more unusual.
“I’m more of a go along to get along type,” Mrs. Friedman, a Real Estate agent with As You Wish Realty, LLC told BSRE news.
Admired by her peers for an amicable disposition which makes cross-transactions a breeze, she has come under fire as of late for her “path of least resistance” model of client advocacy.
“Nobody likes a salesman,” Friedman explained. “Well, I mean, maybe some people do, but I … I’m not saying it’s wrong if you do, just … what do you think?”
Bethany O’Leary, a former client of Friedman’s, was originally drawn to that very unsalesy manner when selecting a REALTOR to list her 4 bedroom McCormick Ranch home last May.
“She was such a breath of fresh air,” O’Leary told reporters when reached for comment at the same 4 bedroom McCormick Ranch home. “All the others wanted to talk about the market and toot their own horns. Agnes was willing to listen … and to ultimately do whatever I told her to do.”
Asked to corroborate, Friedman smiled and offered reporters coffee.
“No, the house didn’t sell,” O’Leary admitted. “But it didn’t sell on my terms.”
Dennis LeGrudge recently purchased a home utilizing Friedman’s services as a buyer’s agent.
“It started out great,” LeGrudge said over the sound of running water. “Agnes showed me everything, whether I was qualified to buy it or not. She even brought snacks.”
Things went awry once Mr. LeGrudge located a property that he wanted to purchase.
“At first, her advice made a lot of sense,” he allowed. “I didn’t want to insult the seller, so I gave him full price.”
In hindsight, LeGrudge thinks that may have been his first mistake.
“I wish I’d known the house had been on the market for fourteen months,” he lamented.
Problems compounded for LeGrudge when the home inspection revealed a bad roof and a missing air conditioning unit. Rather than banging heads with the seller on the deficiencies, his agent convinced him that all homes had issues, and not to upset the seller by requesting frivolous repairs.
“Frivolous,” LeGrudge scoffed. “Hear that burst pipe? I think they plumbed this place with twisty straws.”
One competitor, who chose to remain anonymous, hopes Friedman never lets the industry change her.
“It’s inspiring to see someone so determined to remain true to her benevolent nature in this dog eat dog business,” Agent X said. “I hope she never loses that.”
When pressed, Agent X admitted he has an ulterior motive for Friedman to continue with her current practices.
“Yeah,” he confirmed with a wink. “As long as Agnes negotiates like Bambi, I’m more than happy to thump’er.”
– Paul Slaybaugh, Disassociated Press
Out of Ideas, Real Estate Blogger Turns to Trolling
BSRE NEWS – In a long anticipated move, an obscure Real Estate blogger has announced she is completely out of fresh content ideas.
“I just don’t know what to write about now that my cat died,” Dolores Pentupangst of Katy, Texas lamented. “Frolix was good for one, maybe two posts a week with his wacky antics. Now that he’s gone … you don’t just replace that kind of hole in your blogroll.”
Long considered a black hole for creativity by her peers despite a prodigious output, Pentupangst has been reduced to trolling the Real Estate net for content to take issue with in recent months.
“Trolling itself is an art,” she assured reporters from her basement via Skype. “You have to wait for just the right moment to jump in and piss all over the original poster and the sycophants in the comment stream. Too soon and you kill the thread prematurely, limiting the damage. Too late and no one is around to witness it.”
Pressed on whether surfing the interwebs 23 hours a day in search of a fight is the highest and best use of a Real Estate agent’s time, Pentupangst assured reporters that she had more than enough time left over to sell a home this year.
“Not everyone has the gift of original thought,” Bob Stuartson of ReTopBlog admitted of those who utilize his online Real Estate writing platform. “Some are better suited to what we call ‘reblogging’ and ‘counter-posting.’ If you can’t write your way out of a wet paper bag, your options are pretty much limited to reconstituting someone else’s work or calling them stupid.”
“Not original, huh,” Pentupangst countered, chuckling. “Tell that to the clown in Delaware who authored the piece about dual agency last week. I bet he didn’t wake up on Tuesday expecting to find his name hyperlinked to a picture of a sow’s ass in comment number thirty seven.”
While Pentupangst may be reduced to critiquing the work of those who contribute original material to the collective mainframe for the time being, she doesn’t figure to be out of circulation for long.
“I adopted a Yorkie.”
Paul Slaybaugh, Disassociated Press